that big litter box in the sky

official list of things that totally suck:

1. watching your cat die.

a short list, i know.
kitty (her unofficial name) had not been doing well for a while, but it was like she had no idea she was sick. she was still purring and playing and meowing (lots and lots of meowing - - she was known for her meow) and eating (man that cat could eat). i kept telling her, "kitty it's ok to die now. you can go to sleep and just not wake up. it's totally ok." but man this cat was stubborn and she just wouldn't listen. this weekend she started to fade a bit. i would just find her standing in front of a wall just staring at it. oh, and she started peeing everywhere. one of her favorite places was the heater. we have one of those heaters that is basically a big whole in the floor (very effective, by the way) and she had started to hang out on the grates all the time. the warmth must have made her feel good. then came the pee. of course you didn't know she had peed until you turned on the heater, and then it was too late. hot cat piss would go on the official list of things that smell so bad you either want to vomit or remove your entire olfactory system. she was doing it so much that we finally got to the point that we would rather be cold than risk the smell. it was at this point that most people would probably just pull the trigger and put the cat to sleep. i just couldn't do it. she still seemed content and i felt like i shouldn't be the one to decide when kitty should die. i thought i would let kitty decide for herself, still thinking that she would just die in her sleep. unfortunately that is not how it played out. yesterday morning kitty was definitely not looking good. she was listless and weak, but still purring and meowing. i told andrew he could schedule the appointment to have the doctor come to the house to put kitty to sleep on thursday. i figured that might give here some time to die naturally, which she did. the only problem was it was a very painful process for the both of us. when we got home from dinner last night she was pretty out of it. no more meowing or purring, not even and interest in ice cream (her favorite) or mint (her other favorite). i picked her up to hold her in my arms and she was in a puddle of blood. that's when i was overcome with guilt (growing up as a jew, guilt is by now means a foreign emotion). i should have just put her to sleep when she was still happy, but i was selfish. i didn't want the pain that went along with essentially killing your cat. i assure you, this guilt is much worse. i stayed with kitty as she struggled for breath for hours. she has always been such a tough cat and stubborn and she just wouldn't die. i could tell she was uncomfortable, even though andrew assured me that cats are different then humans and it probably looked much worse than it was. ***side note. um, wow . . . and also, sorry. i just looked back and i have been droning on for a while. i'll wrap it up.
she suffered, i suffered and at about 12:30 i had to go to sleep knowing that kitty would be gone in the morning. and 2:15 i woke up and she had left and gone to that big litter box in the sky. which, by the way, i hope has a ton of litter cause this cat poops and pees a lot!! big human size poo, not little cat poo. grosssssssss. andrew was up with me and kept telling me to just cover her up. we had made a really fluffy, comfy death bed for her (depressing, but if your dying, you should at least do it in a place that is fluffy and comfy). i didn't want to because for some reason that seemed mean to me. a decision i kind of regretted this morning when i woke up an the damn cats eyes were still open and i couldn't close them cause she was completely stiff (yuck!).
well, andrew is gonna take care of the hard stuff for me today, i.e., taking completely stiff cat to get cremated, disposing of litter box, kitty food, etc. oh and also scrubbing the heater so we can have heat. so i'll leave you today with a little note to kitty.

kitty, i met you when you were 3 weeks old and you had to be the cutest thing i had ever seen. even cuter than surprise kitty on youtube. you were also a terror and totally annoying, but also totally awesome. i taught you how to talk (well, meow back and forth with me is more like it) a decision i would often regret when i just wanted some peace and quiet at 2 in the morning. you threw up a lot, peed a lot, pooed a lot, but i didn't mind, cause you were my kitty. you chilled out with me under the covers when i was depressed and shared my food with me (especially tortilla chips, ice cream and milk from the bottom of my cereal bowl). you lived a good life, 15 years, and although i always knew that you would most likely kick the bucket before me . . . it doesn't make today any easier.

ps. next time you decide to die, can you please close your eyes.

and a ps. to you. i apologize for any typos, etc. i am not rereading this, because i need to pull myself together and get on a conference call shortly. and then i'm gonna eat french fries and chocolate all day long . . . take that, diet!