meet phillip

phillip found us. we did not find him. he's such a savvy pup, that he actually started his own blog right here.
from someone who is a die hard "cat person," i think i'm in love. of course, my heart is not that easy to get into. i only said, "think" phil, but if you keep us all of this cheerful licking of my face, i just might cave.

nothing to say

if you haven't noticed, i've got nothing to say. and actually, that's inaccurate. i've got plenty to say, but only a limited amount of time and energy to say it with. oh and i have to say stuff in lots of other places. so it's not that i don't care. it's just that i am out of film, short on time and low on energy. i'm over the "dead kitty" hump. made my way back into the bedroom. still not used to her not being here. sometimes i just walk in the house and say, "here, kitty. here, kitty, kitty, kitty." really only to hear myself say it. so self indulgently sad. also, i have started with a green drink every morning. i am officially cool. i'll let you know if it helps. turns out i have a couple of major vitamin deficiencies. i was hoping the doctor was going to tell me that i was born without a thyroid or something, but no . . .just very low on d and b12. it's quite common, so i don't feel nearly as special as if i was sans thyroid. regardless, hoping this makes me feel better and less nappy all of the time. oh, and i got a hair cut. feels much better, thanks.

valentine's day

i spent mine in bed. well in couch bed. . . my new bed. i seriously had every intention of getting up, but i just couldn't muster up the strength. that happens sometimes when i get real depressed. i miss kitty a lot and i am trying not to think about it so i don't get super depressed and then i got super depressed anyway. dumb. thankfully i have ban.do today so i will have no choice but to be cheerful. that place is so fucking cheerful. you can't even help it . . . you have to smile when you're in there (cause if you don't we throw you out). well, i hope you had a wonderful valentine's day. thank you for all of your comments and suggestions on the bedroom. i will keep you posted. and thanks, emily, for the pack of polaroid. you are the best!!

a question

oh, and first a comment. my comment . . . thank you. thanks a lot for all or your kind words (and unkind - those were deleted . . . i mean c'mon. my cat just died.).

the question.

so kitty died in our bedroom and now i do not want to sleep there. i am no stranger to sleeping on the couch. you see, that's where the t.v. is and i LOVE to fall asleep with the t.v. well last night andrew and i got all of our covers and our pillows and camped out in the living room. we ate cookies and candy and watched movies. apparently andrew hates sleeping on the couch and upon waking this morning proclaimed, "we are not sleeping out here again." my response, a curt, "well i am. i'm sleeping out here forever. i'm not going back in there." obviously that won't be possible. although i know i could make it out here for at least a month. instead i thought, "hey, we could paint the bedroom." and alas, the question. any suggestions on color. i've had a lt. aqua and lt. pink . . . andrew suggested red (NO). i want something soothing and also AWESOME. can you help?

that big litter box in the sky

official list of things that totally suck:

1. watching your cat die.

a short list, i know.
kitty (her unofficial name) had not been doing well for a while, but it was like she had no idea she was sick. she was still purring and playing and meowing (lots and lots of meowing - - she was known for her meow) and eating (man that cat could eat). i kept telling her, "kitty it's ok to die now. you can go to sleep and just not wake up. it's totally ok." but man this cat was stubborn and she just wouldn't listen. this weekend she started to fade a bit. i would just find her standing in front of a wall just staring at it. oh, and she started peeing everywhere. one of her favorite places was the heater. we have one of those heaters that is basically a big whole in the floor (very effective, by the way) and she had started to hang out on the grates all the time. the warmth must have made her feel good. then came the pee. of course you didn't know she had peed until you turned on the heater, and then it was too late. hot cat piss would go on the official list of things that smell so bad you either want to vomit or remove your entire olfactory system. she was doing it so much that we finally got to the point that we would rather be cold than risk the smell. it was at this point that most people would probably just pull the trigger and put the cat to sleep. i just couldn't do it. she still seemed content and i felt like i shouldn't be the one to decide when kitty should die. i thought i would let kitty decide for herself, still thinking that she would just die in her sleep. unfortunately that is not how it played out. yesterday morning kitty was definitely not looking good. she was listless and weak, but still purring and meowing. i told andrew he could schedule the appointment to have the doctor come to the house to put kitty to sleep on thursday. i figured that might give here some time to die naturally, which she did. the only problem was it was a very painful process for the both of us. when we got home from dinner last night she was pretty out of it. no more meowing or purring, not even and interest in ice cream (her favorite) or mint (her other favorite). i picked her up to hold her in my arms and she was in a puddle of blood. that's when i was overcome with guilt (growing up as a jew, guilt is by now means a foreign emotion). i should have just put her to sleep when she was still happy, but i was selfish. i didn't want the pain that went along with essentially killing your cat. i assure you, this guilt is much worse. i stayed with kitty as she struggled for breath for hours. she has always been such a tough cat and stubborn and she just wouldn't die. i could tell she was uncomfortable, even though andrew assured me that cats are different then humans and it probably looked much worse than it was. ***side note. um, wow . . . and also, sorry. i just looked back and i have been droning on for a while. i'll wrap it up.
she suffered, i suffered and at about 12:30 i had to go to sleep knowing that kitty would be gone in the morning. and 2:15 i woke up and she had left and gone to that big litter box in the sky. which, by the way, i hope has a ton of litter cause this cat poops and pees a lot!! big human size poo, not little cat poo. grosssssssss. andrew was up with me and kept telling me to just cover her up. we had made a really fluffy, comfy death bed for her (depressing, but if your dying, you should at least do it in a place that is fluffy and comfy). i didn't want to because for some reason that seemed mean to me. a decision i kind of regretted this morning when i woke up an the damn cats eyes were still open and i couldn't close them cause she was completely stiff (yuck!).
well, andrew is gonna take care of the hard stuff for me today, i.e., taking completely stiff cat to get cremated, disposing of litter box, kitty food, etc. oh and also scrubbing the heater so we can have heat. so i'll leave you today with a little note to kitty.

kitty, i met you when you were 3 weeks old and you had to be the cutest thing i had ever seen. even cuter than surprise kitty on youtube. you were also a terror and totally annoying, but also totally awesome. i taught you how to talk (well, meow back and forth with me is more like it) a decision i would often regret when i just wanted some peace and quiet at 2 in the morning. you threw up a lot, peed a lot, pooed a lot, but i didn't mind, cause you were my kitty. you chilled out with me under the covers when i was depressed and shared my food with me (especially tortilla chips, ice cream and milk from the bottom of my cereal bowl). you lived a good life, 15 years, and although i always knew that you would most likely kick the bucket before me . . . it doesn't make today any easier.

ps. next time you decide to die, can you please close your eyes.

and a ps. to you. i apologize for any typos, etc. i am not rereading this, because i need to pull myself together and get on a conference call shortly. and then i'm gonna eat french fries and chocolate all day long . . . take that, diet!

uh-huh, yeah!

seriously, though. how appealing is this photo right now? i'll tell you how appealing. very appealing. if someone could just confirm for me that the cigarettes are unfiltered, there's more ice in the freezer, a couple o' hundys (that's gang talk for hundred dollar bills . . . what gang? i don't know what gang. just a really cool gang that likes linguistics) in the purse and those pills are either ambien or xanax and we're all set.

ps. so far this is the only linguistics gang i could find and they are decidedly uncool.

well, excuse me.

well excuse me universe. i guess you didn't hear me, because i was not teletransported anywhere. i'm not mad. i'm thinking maybe you were just busy. that's why i am giving you another opportunity. will this one be easier? it's in florida. pllllllleeeeease.
ok. bye.

dear universe

you have two choices above as to where i would like to be teletransported today. i felt like giving you options might make it easier on you. also, while your at it. can you shave 15 pounds off of my body so i might look totally awesome in my bikini. oh, and if you wouldn't mind wiping my memory clean of all of the things that i am supposed to do today, all of the things i was supposed to do yesterday and all of the things that i know i am going to have to do tomorrow? that would make it a lot easier for me to relax and as you can see by the photos, these are very relaxing places. i think that's all. oh, and could you be sure that they have a drink with a cute little umbrella waiting for me and cheese . . . lots and lots of cheese.

thanks.

unraveling

what did you do this weekend? i unraveled. BIG TIME. sunday was filled with cursing and kicking and spitting and breaking. not productive at all. sometimes i just don't want what life is giving me, but i also feel bad for not wanting it. i am busy with work and while i know i should feel grateful, sometimes i would rather just be angry and let the whole thing just take me down . . . all the way down. down to the depths. so far that the neighbors run inside their house because i am on the front lawn screaming like a maniac. what can i say . . . i had to get it out. i feel better now. i didn't do it on my own. i owe a lot of it to half of a xanax that i found in my wallet from the last time i flew to seattle. i always keep one on me when i fly. i used to be horrified of flying, but now i am kind of ok. i don't want to say totally ok, cause if i do, then i will surely crash, solely because of the irony of the whole thing. obviously i'm ok, cause i still had the xanax. now i am ready for bed and ready to wake up at the crack of dawn with a truck filled with bikes and couches and beach umbrellas and drive to north malibu, north north malibu. far far away. i am grateful for this job, i am grateful for this job, i am grateful for this job. andrew is working with me and promises to come to my rescue if anyone tries to give me any trouble. thank goodness. oh, and my dad was here this weekend, too. i wish i didn't have to work all weekend, and it probably would have been nicer for him if he didn't have to watch is daughter lose her shit, right before his eyes. sorry, dad.

"quick dissolving strips"

and for whatever reason, that did not send off any alarms in my head. nope. none. i spent money i don't have on listerine quick dissolving whitening strips. i guess in my mind i thought the dissolving part would be more magical. i would take the strips out of their packages, place them securely on my teeth, pause a moment, well actually 10 to 15 minutes, but it will feel like just a moment, to reflect on how wonderful and white and sparkly they will look and then open my mouth to release a substance one could only refer to as pixie dust (think a fine mist of iridescent glitter that smells like cupcakes - that's what i'm imagining). that is just how it went in my head when i bought these strips. of course that's not how this whole thing played out. what really happened is . . .

i struggled to get the damn things out of there tiny little foil pouches. this involved a lot of cursing and also talking to myself. to such a degree that actually while talking to myself i told myself out loud to stop talking to myself. i then wrapped them tightly around my teeth, which immediately made me feel claustrophobic. that happens to me. like the time i got a seaweed wrap detox massage thing at a fancy spa and i made the lady take it off me about 30 seconds after she put the finishing touches on my seaweed and saran wrap cocoon.i then took a deep breath and waited. and waited. and thought about stuff. and then waited some more. why i thought something that takes 10 - 15 minutes to dissolve in my mouth would be a success with me, i will never know. i can't keep hard candy in my mouth for more than, well about a tenth of a second before i start crunching. as soon as i get my nails done i have the overwhelming desire to touch things, especially things that are inside of things (and no, that's not dirty. i'm thinking more like a car key that is buried in the bottom of my purse. that sort of thing). well i will tell you i did not make the 15 minute mark, or even the ten minute mark . . . i made it 7 minutes, which if you must know is not long enough for them to dissolve, but definitely long enough for one to accrue massive amounts of saliva. and it's not even normal saliva. it's gooey and has particles in it. then comes the fun part. trying to get the gelatinous whitening magic crap off of your teeth, and no, brushing them did not do it. it actually kind of makes it worse. 20 minutes later i can still taste this stuff on my teeth. soooooooo, does anyone want a box of barely used, totally awesome and bearable, quick (yeah, right) dissolving whitening strips?

ps. my diptych i am using for this post made me think of things that make your teeth yellow. so that's why i used it.

pss. the hole in the sheet is now big enough to swallow a person. i have moved on from socks to knee high wool slippers from the gap (pj pants tucked in so i will have no contact with bare mattress or crocodile teeth). we have vowed to change the sheet tomorrow. we are disgusting, but at least it will be recycled. andrew told me it will make great rags. and that about sums it up.

seriously, though.

seriously, though . . . how nice does that bed look? i saw this photo when i was going through my flickr account and there was a big part of me that wanted to dive inside the computer and get right into that bed. i know those sheets are like the perfect temperature, there kind of crisp, but also soft at the same time. the cover is like a fluffy cloud that still weighs enough to keep you warm and protected. about that whole cover protection thing . . . am i the only one who thinks that covers can protect you from all things evil and wrong? am i the only one who actually feels like there is a boogie monster and he will find me if so much as even a tip of a toe is peaking out the bottom of my covers? i don't think so. i bet you feel that way, too. i actually think that if i could breath while totally engulfed in covers, i would. i have a really creative way of wrapping the blanket around me so only a minimal amount of skin is exposed and then just a bit of mouth and nose. it drives andrew crazy because all of this twisting does certainly minimize the amount of covers that is left for him. maybe i should buy him his own blanket. that might be a nice valentine's day present. last year i gave him these. i made'em all by myself. they are faded now. kinda cool, kinda sad. oh and also, well two things really. first. sometimes i sleep in my clothes. i like it. i like having clothes on. i would shower in clothes if i could. oh, now i've said too much. oh well. i have another secret. our sheet has a giant hole in it and i don't care. (well i kind of care and i also think it is part of the reason why this particular picture was so appealing tonight). the hole started 4 days ago as a small tear. nothing offensive or worrisome, but within 4 days it has grown to a giant hole. a hole big enough to swallow a foot. my foot. and that's kinda scary when you are asleep and start dreaming that a fierce and angry crocodile is trying to bite your foot off. a sane person might have changed the sheets, but not me. tonight i am wearing pj pants and socks, so there will be more padding when that croc comes after me.

update. i just got into bed (yes with my computer and yes i know that is sick) and there's some kitty litter in here, too. kitty is getting ready to kick the bucket, so we've been letting her sleep with us. my hope. i can get all of the litter to fall into the hole, which will satisfy (or repulse) the crocodile and keep my foot safe for another night.

dim sum

just a note about dim sum.
i don't like it.
at all.
my first dim sum experience was here in l.a. a long, long time ago. my boyfriend at the time was taking me to breakfast with his friends.
he was older than me, and much more, well, cool.
don't get me wrong, i'm pretty cool now. i've been in l.a. for fifteen years, so there's not really a choice in the matter. be cool or leave.
then i was not cool. i was 24, a bit lost ( well, way more than a bit. i was totally screwed. adulthood really did not suit me . . . actually not sure it does now, either).
regardless this smart, sophisticated, kind of intimidating boyfriend tells me we are going to meet some of his friends for brunch in chinatown. now i was not in the position to question anything he said. i just did it. i didn't want to take the risk of a confrontation, which might lead to a break up, which might lead to total and complete hearbreak (flash forward a year, risk taken, broken up, and total and complete heartbreak followed - which was then followed by several years of therapy . . . highly recommended . . the therapy, not the hearbreak).
i digress. where were we? brunch, right. in chinatown.
so i thought to myself, "chinatown seems like a really weird place to get brunch." then i thought, "yum. i love brunch. i love pancakes. oh, and bacon. pancakes and bacon, yummmmmm. this is gonna be great. oh, but his friends. they scare me. they are so old, and smart and together. i'm a loser. damn. i'll just be quiet and eat my pancakes."
the next thing i know i am in a giant hall for lack of a better word, at a giant table with a bunch of fucking l.a. hipsters eating chinese food. at ten in the morning. WHAT? i didn't even know what most of it was. i tried to eat it, but ya know my taste buds were kinda geared up for pancakes . . . and bacon. i got through it, just barely. i felt dumb for not liking it. if i was more like them, i probably would have. i guess, over a decade down the line i ended up not being anything like them, cause gosh darnit, i still hate dim sum.

years later our friends in nyc would take us to dim sum and neither andrew nor i had the heart to tell them that we both hate it. and anyone that knows me knows that i am totally open minded when it comes to food. i might like dim sum if it were served at 8 o'clock at night, but my guess is that would defeat the purpose.

my point, you ask.
my point is that i took these two polaroids while we were at said dim sum (is dim sum a place, and event, what?).
i will give this place props, cause it was pink and it had giant crystal chandeliers. now only if it served pancakes and bacon!

peonies and carnations

yes, i said it. carnations. i am really starting to fall hard for carnations, especially when those darn peonies are so expensive. i had some left over from a shoot and was lucky enough to find a stow away box of polaroid in the back of the fridge. one reason why i think i used to hate carnations is that in high school our school would have fund raisers on different holidays (christmas, st. patricks day and the dreaded valentine's day). for a buck you could send anyone in the school a carnation (dyed to match the holiday - i.e. green for st. patrick's day - how lovely) and it would be hand delivered to them in homeroom. well in high school i wasn't really a part of any one group. i spent my freshman year with what i thought were a bunch of nerds in a.p. classes with 6 students, but my best friend's were very pretty and popular. i think i was somewhere in between. not sure that my humor translated well. i think it takes people a while to develop the ability to understand (and appreciate) sarcasm and for a sad few, that ability never comes. i know this because i have met them and its, well, awkward. if nothing else, i was nice. nice and cute - two words i used to hate and now i would welcome either. this nice/cute combo seemed to endear me to the less fortunate fellows in the school. . . the nerds. to them i was attainable, although my sites were set a lot higher. well one fellow in particular was very reliable when it came to sending carnations. every holiday they would call my name and i would anxiously read the card thinking that maybe my boyfriend, who actually attended another high school might have found a way to beat the system and send me flowers. nope, it was always that silly, lanky, nerdy guy and luckily for me, we shared homeroom (the luckily part, that was sarcasm). so as i read his name on the card i would slowly lift my head, look in his direction, force a smile and mouth the words, "thank you." well as it turns out, i ran into the same fellow at our ten year high school reunion and he was GORGEOUS. OMG. and the answer to your next three questions is yes, yes and no. so the moral to this story is simple: DON'T HATE ON CARNATIONS.

at the paramour

i took my iphone to the paramour.
it had fun.
so did i.

bouncy balls

these are bouncy balls.
i love bouncy balls. i love how they look and i love the pure satisfaction i get from bouncing them (that's what she said - - sorry, i couldn't help it).
but bouncy balls got me thinking about bouncing back.
they do it so easily, but i fear it is not that easy for me.
i wonder if it has something to do with getting older. the same way in which it is harder to lose weight after being a glutton for several months or even the way my right eyelid has decided to start drooping (and i can't tell if anyone else notices it? i hate stuff like that).
regardless, bouncing back from the last few months won't be as easy as just putting up a new calendar (i kind of hoped that a new calendar, fresh journal, resolutions, goals and a severely positive attitude might help). it's really gonna take determination and patience. i definitely feel like a weight is lifted, and i think a lot of you do, too. i think if we all try to bounce back together it would be a lot nicer. what do you think? do you have any advice for bouncing back? when you feel yourself slipping into old habits, what do you do?
i think i need a mantra or a theme song, or a mantra and a theme song. or a theme song that can be spoken as a mantra.
emily had me hooked on "break my stride," by matthew wilder - for a while there. i think she saw oprah say that was her mantra song (sorry emily, i may have just outed you). it was kind of working, but i need something new. can you help me? pllllllllleeeeeeeeease.

at the beach

i was on a nordstrom photshoot at the beach yesterday with this amazing photographer. it makes me happy to be around other creative people . . . and getting paid for it isn't so bad, either. ah ha. getting paid. another thing i can add to the list of things that make me happy. and by the way, thanks for all of the great comments. it's nice to know that we are all willing to take time and really think about what makes us happy. ok. short but sweet today as we are heading back to the beach this morning.

ahhhhhhhhh.

whew. i cannot tell you how happy i am to put 2009 behind me. oh dear, that one was kind of a doozy. but enough looking back. i am going to look forward now and i tell ya, it's pretty darn liberating. i really want to focus on being happy in 2010. i know, i know, how freakin' overplayed is that one? but really, i actually sat and thought about it. about what makes me happy. i even started a list. i mean there is the obvious stuff like, sitting poolside at the parker, eating chocolate without gaining an ounce and shopping, ahhhhh shopping. but then, when i really thought about it, it turned out there were lots of little things that made me happy. and some of them were things you would never expect. i say that because a lot of them were things i would never expect and i figure if i wouldn't expect them, then you certainly wouldn't. and so i present you with a list of examples taken directly out of my new journal.

* being able to walk barefoot on the floor without getting cat hair, cat litter, my hair, misc. shrapnel, etc on my feet.
* wearing black eye liner - - it really does make me feel prettier.
* moisturizing - boooring, but i actually feel the happiness as i do it. it's like i know i am doing something good for myself at that moment. simple and silly, but true
* doing the right thing
* finishing what i start
* sunlight - - in my room, on my face, etc.
* taking photos - -believe it or not, sometimes i forget how genuinely happy that makes me.
* sleeping on cleen sheets
* eating from the garden - -this sounds so hipster bougie, but i gotta tell you, when i actually do eat from the garden i genuinely feel like i am better than you.
* freshly painted fingernails (and toenails, too)
* filing --weird, i know. don't get me started. i just spent an hour entering deposits and withdrawals into quicken and it's the happiest i've been all week.

the list goes on, but you get my drift. what i realized is that a lot of things i always assumed make me unhappy, actually make me happy. i avoid cleaning and organizing like it is the plague and yet, it makes me happy when i do it. i have always assumed that it is much more pleasurable to fall asleep with my makeup on and then show up for work the next day with that day old eyeliner and some fresh lip gloss (not cute), but as it turns out spending 10 extra minutes before bed and the same in the morning makes me feel better. oh and then the little things that are forgotten like letting the sunlight hit my face or painting my nails. i mean, c'mon, no wonder i have been so damn depressed. i had just lost track of what makes me happy. ok, so now i have no excuse. i have my list (and it's growing all of the time). happiness here i come. oh, and i was just wondering . . . what makes you happy? maybe i've missed something.

ps. if you say something like my baby's smile or feeding the poor, i will delete it!