"quick dissolving strips"

and for whatever reason, that did not send off any alarms in my head. nope. none. i spent money i don't have on listerine quick dissolving whitening strips. i guess in my mind i thought the dissolving part would be more magical. i would take the strips out of their packages, place them securely on my teeth, pause a moment, well actually 10 to 15 minutes, but it will feel like just a moment, to reflect on how wonderful and white and sparkly they will look and then open my mouth to release a substance one could only refer to as pixie dust (think a fine mist of iridescent glitter that smells like cupcakes - that's what i'm imagining). that is just how it went in my head when i bought these strips. of course that's not how this whole thing played out. what really happened is . . .

i struggled to get the damn things out of there tiny little foil pouches. this involved a lot of cursing and also talking to myself. to such a degree that actually while talking to myself i told myself out loud to stop talking to myself. i then wrapped them tightly around my teeth, which immediately made me feel claustrophobic. that happens to me. like the time i got a seaweed wrap detox massage thing at a fancy spa and i made the lady take it off me about 30 seconds after she put the finishing touches on my seaweed and saran wrap cocoon.i then took a deep breath and waited. and waited. and thought about stuff. and then waited some more. why i thought something that takes 10 - 15 minutes to dissolve in my mouth would be a success with me, i will never know. i can't keep hard candy in my mouth for more than, well about a tenth of a second before i start crunching. as soon as i get my nails done i have the overwhelming desire to touch things, especially things that are inside of things (and no, that's not dirty. i'm thinking more like a car key that is buried in the bottom of my purse. that sort of thing). well i will tell you i did not make the 15 minute mark, or even the ten minute mark . . . i made it 7 minutes, which if you must know is not long enough for them to dissolve, but definitely long enough for one to accrue massive amounts of saliva. and it's not even normal saliva. it's gooey and has particles in it. then comes the fun part. trying to get the gelatinous whitening magic crap off of your teeth, and no, brushing them did not do it. it actually kind of makes it worse. 20 minutes later i can still taste this stuff on my teeth. soooooooo, does anyone want a box of barely used, totally awesome and bearable, quick (yeah, right) dissolving whitening strips?

ps. my diptych i am using for this post made me think of things that make your teeth yellow. so that's why i used it.

pss. the hole in the sheet is now big enough to swallow a person. i have moved on from socks to knee high wool slippers from the gap (pj pants tucked in so i will have no contact with bare mattress or crocodile teeth). we have vowed to change the sheet tomorrow. we are disgusting, but at least it will be recycled. andrew told me it will make great rags. and that about sums it up.